I think your words went together beautifully and I like to think you very poetically described some of the silvery vagaries that live inside any system. Very nicely done!
Hi. I loved your poem and the images they create but I think you miscounted your syllables here: Play|ing| sys|tems I count 4 ne|on| of| pro| fus|ion I count 6 sped| on| wheels|red|framed|sight| I count 6 I think "Playing" and "neon" lines were supposed to have 5 and the "sped on" line should have 7. Perhaps you say them differently but check with your dictionary. I am from Texas, but that's the way I'd break them and I think that agrees with the American usage dictionary.
Yep, as Gay points out, some syllable snipping is needed to make this a real shadorma. As a poem I like it a lot. The imagery is choppy and vibrant, fits the subject and has a fresh vibe. Taken as free verse, it works very well. Def not 3/5/3/3/7/5 though.
Ooh! Lovely line 'neon of profusion' ~ fabulous! :)
ReplyDeleteI think your words went together beautifully and I like to think you very poetically described some of the silvery vagaries that live inside any system. Very nicely done!
ReplyDeleteA kaleidoscope of words that race my heart as they fly by.
ReplyDeleteLovely image created, love the line 'neon of profusion'.
ReplyDeleteAww brilliant thanks so much ~ Have a bright and wonderful day
ReplyDeleteHi. I loved your poem and the images they create but I think you miscounted your syllables here:
ReplyDeletePlay|ing| sys|tems I count 4
ne|on| of| pro| fus|ion I count 6
sped| on| wheels|red|framed|sight| I count 6
I think "Playing" and "neon" lines were supposed to have 5 and the "sped on" line should have 7. Perhaps you say them differently but check with your dictionary. I am from Texas, but that's the way I'd break them and I think that agrees with the American usage dictionary.
Yep, as Gay points out, some syllable snipping is needed to make this a real shadorma. As a poem I like it a lot. The imagery is choppy and vibrant, fits the subject and has a fresh vibe. Taken as free verse, it works very well. Def not 3/5/3/3/7/5 though.
ReplyDeletewow...quick rapid fire flow...nice...i wont crack on the form...
ReplyDeleteunique. I like the quick flow of the lines
ReplyDeletewonderful....♥ ஆ
ReplyDelete