Monday, 11 April 2011

System Bright

Playing systems

neon of profusion

satin sheen

slender cream

sped on wheels red framed sight

town plays system bright

(c) Libithina

from form shadorma ~

@onestoppoetry ~ addictive :)


  1. Ooh! Lovely line 'neon of profusion' ~ fabulous! :)

  2. I think your words went together beautifully and I like to think you very poetically described some of the silvery vagaries that live inside any system. Very nicely done!

  3. A kaleidoscope of words that race my heart as they fly by.

  4. Lovely image created, love the line 'neon of profusion'.

  5. Aww brilliant thanks so much ~ Have a bright and wonderful day

  6. Hi. I loved your poem and the images they create but I think you miscounted your syllables here:
    Play|ing| sys|tems I count 4
    ne|on| of| pro| fus|ion I count 6
    sped| on| wheels|red|framed|sight| I count 6
    I think "Playing" and "neon" lines were supposed to have 5 and the "sped on" line should have 7. Perhaps you say them differently but check with your dictionary. I am from Texas, but that's the way I'd break them and I think that agrees with the American usage dictionary.

  7. Yep, as Gay points out, some syllable snipping is needed to make this a real shadorma. As a poem I like it a lot. The imagery is choppy and vibrant, fits the subject and has a fresh vibe. Taken as free verse, it works very well. Def not 3/5/3/3/7/5 though.

  8. wow...quick rapid fire flow...nice...i wont crack on the form...

  9. unique. I like the quick flow of the lines